Pitch Black Secrets
by nightlyroses
Summary: People didn't know a lot about what went on inside Melanie Black née Snape's (fem!Snape) head. These were moments in her life that showed the deepest and darkest parts. WARNING: mentions and moments of suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts, patricide, etc.


**AN:** As mentioned in the summary, there are moments and mentions of suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts, patricide…a lot of triggers so please don't read if they affect you that badly. I know that there are tons of you out there who suffer from situations like these and I really don't want to make it worse by having you read this.

 **AN 2:** Previous stories with Melanie are "Exposed" (the OWLs incident) and "Understanding" (takes place after Harry sees her memory of the OWLs incident). You can read those before or after reading this one.

 **AN 3:** Before you all get mad at me for making the Marauders and Lily look bad, just remember that this is from a female Snape's point of view. They're not going to be looked in a positive light, and yes some facts are going to be wrong because it's what she believes what happened. I know that James Potter didn't participate in that Whomping Willow incident, but she thinks he saved her just to avoid getting into trouble. Again, don't get mad at me for the bashing okay? If you don't like it, then don't read it! Thank you.

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Most people generally had a negative perspective of Melanie Black née Snape. A small percentage was about her somewhat unattractive appearance, but most of it was her rather unfriendly attitude. "Unfriendly," thought, was a bit of an understatement if you listened to anyone outside of Slytherin, especially the Gryffindors. When it came to her clear bias towards her little snakes or her obvious hatred of the Boy Who Lived, they could say that she was one of the nastiest people to ever live on the planet.

 _If only they knew_.

Melanie Black was generally a rather unpleasant person except to specific people. But not even the people on her good side knew her deepest darkest secrets. Only one person ever knew, and he was dead.

They didn't know that her Muggle father was abusive to not only her mother but to her. The physical attacks and the verbal insults pierced her heart like nothing else. He was her father, and he was supposed to love her. This was not love. Far from it. Her mother was a stubborn witch and wouldn't leave him, not even for her own daughter. Whenever her father told her that she should've been dead the moment she was born while simultaneously beating her, she would wish that she had been. And during her teenage years when she was beaten, she would wonder if the abuse would ever turn sexual. It never did, but she could hear her mother's screams in the dead of night and wish that everything would just end there. Everything.

They didn't know that the Marauders bullying her was worse than they thought it was. Sure, she always fought back but it didn't make it hurt any less. They would call her ugly and one of the most hideous things to grace the Earth, and she would just want to run to a mirror to confirm that what they were saying was true. Whenever Potter or Black would hex her, it took everything for her to not cry out of humiliation and embarrassment. Their words and cruel laughter kept ringing in her ears again and again until she finally used one of her inventions…on herself. _Please let it end. Please let the pain end._

They didn't know that the Marauders nearly killed her in fourth year by luring her out to see Lupin transform into a werewolf. Granted, Potter got cold feet and saved her from the werewolf, but she would never be the same. She almost _died_. She could've become a _monster_. Lupin tried to apologize to her later, but she wouldn't hear of it especially since the old geezer who was headmaster manipulated her into an Unbreakable Vow to prevent her from spilling the beans. The split between Black and the other three Marauders after the incident wasn't even worth it. Far from it.

They didn't know that she nearly killed herself after the post-OWLs incident. She was mortified to no end that Potter said he was going to pull off her underwear in front of thirty-plus students. It didn't matter that he was kidding; it was just one of the worst things he had ever said. The fact that Lily ditched her for being called a Mudblood just made it even worse than it could've been. To hear _Melonhead_ in Lily's normally sweet raspy voice was a nightmare come true. And Lily wouldn't take her back afterwards. Their friendship was over for good. That night, she snuck out of the her dorm and crept into one of the bathrooms on the first floor with her wand in her hand. She stared at herself in the mirror, shaking with sobs, until she couldn't take it anymore and threw her fist into it. The mirror shattered and cut up her hand, but she didn't care. Black had been right when he said she would have to pay a man to sleep with her. Just look at her. And then her fists were clenched as she looked down at her arms and whispered an incantation of a curse she invented twice. If Black's younger brother Regulus hadn't been sneaking around the castle by himself nearby, she would've been dead. She barely heard the younger Black's sobs as he begged her to not go as he frantically healed her wounds.

They didn't know that Regulus had cursed his own brother and Potter so badly as revenge they almost had to go to St Mungo's after raging at them for what they did to her. The fact that she almost killed herself slipped from his mouth and the two Gryffindors were frozen in horror for what they did, allowing the younger Slytherin to cause the damage they did. He was never caught because he threatened to expose them for nearly killing one of their own classmates, which was true in a sense as many deaths, both Muggle and magical, had occurred because victims of bullying just wanted a permanent end to their situations. Bullying, really, was a dangerous weapon.

They didn't know that she had requested the Dark Lord for a specific location for her first mission as a Death Eater. When the Dark Lord asked her why, she looked down at the floor with masked rage threatening to show. Revenge. The place she had requested to go was her childhood home at Spinner's End. The look on Daddy Dearest's face was priceless as she pointed her wand at him threateningly with her fellow Death Eaters standing behind her. Two Unforgivables escaped from her lips with a rather cruel smile. Her father's screams were heavenly even as a bright green light hit him. Then her attention was turned to her mother cowering in the very corner she had often cried in as a child. "You'd better run, _Mama_."

They didn't know that she told the Dark Lord the prophecy that involved her ex-best friend and one of her archenemies. She didn't particularly care, for they did nothing for her. Lily may had stood up for her in the past, but she had ditched her the moment she slipped up and called her that word and left her to Potter and Black's mercy. It didn't matter that Potter and Black decided to leave her alone for the rest of their school career because they never apologized and their past aggressions still rang clear and true in her mind.

They didn't know that she wanted to kill herself again when Regulus had been murdered. The Dark Lord had told them all that Regulus betrayed them all and thus was punished rightfully so. It was when she came back to their home that she found his last note to her in a hurried scrawl that explained everything. The Dark Lord was using a method so unspeakable and so evil in order to become immortal that he wanted to stop him once and for all. He knew that this was a suicide mission and so asked her if she would turn spy for Dumbledore. Because it was her husband, her Reggie, she knew what she had to do and immediately went to the headmaster. It took him a bit of convincing (and a bit of reluctance on her part as she never liked the elderly sorcerer in the first place because he had done absolutely nothing about Potter and Black during her school years), but he agreed in the end to have her spy for the Order of the Phoenix against the Dar– Voldemort.

They didn't know that she purposefully left out the information that Black never was a Death Eater in the first place and couldn't have possibly sold out his friends (that stupid rat Pettigrew on the other hand she could say otherwise). She did, however, believe that he killed Pettigrew even though he probably didn't mean to kill the twelve Muggles. It didn't matter to her. Black deserved to be Azkaban, anyways

They didn't know that the first time she saw Harry Potter she wanted to scream and cry because it hurt so much to see a doppelgänger of one of the boys who tormented her so much. The innocent eyes of her dead ex-best friend hurt just as much, and she just wanted to blind herself so she wouldn't have to see such a painful reminder three times a day. When her Potions class with the first years started on that first Friday, she masked her pain with anger and singled out Potter's spawn with the stupid fame he held for something that happened ten years ago. The look on his face was priceless when she mocked his lack of knowledge and took points off for his cheeky response. All right, taking another point for not overseeing his incompetent classmates was ridiculous, but it just felt so _good_ to have revenge after so many years. Take that, James Potter.

They didn't know how horrified she was when Black escaped from Azkaban. The rumours that he was trying to kill his godson (what a laugh that was) spread around, and _dementors_ were stationed around the school. She detested dementors even more than Potter and Black. They brought up the memories and trauma every time she went near them, and she feared losing her soul. They could sense the misery she was _filled_ with and enjoyed bringing it to full force. Back when she was a Death Eater, she had been most reluctant to fight alongside them. Why the Ministry insisted on using them when they were enemies in the past was a mystery to her. She constantly practiced the Patronus Charm in her office whenever she had free time in order to protect herself (it was really hard to find _any_ happy memories with her past).

They didn't know that she nearly fainted when she found out that Lupin was going to be teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts for the 1993-1994 school year. Flashbacks from Black's attempted murder overcame her, and she locked herself in her office until the first day of school. The Welcoming Feast was spent glaring daggers at Lupin who, more or less, ignored them. Why should she make that stupid potion for him anyways? She sighed. _Someone_ had to protect her snakes from the big bad wolf. Too bad she couldn't "accidentally" poison him instead.

They didn't know how horrible it was when Potter's spawn and his minions attacked her at the same time. It was just like back in her school days when Potter and Black would gang up on her together with Pettigrew cheering in the background and Lupin attempting to ignore it. It was almost as bad as watching the stupid Weasley boy and the know-it-all Granger girl easily helping to take her on. She later woke up to find Black, Potter's spawn, and the Granger know-it-all unconscious with Weasley at the Whomping Willow. Lupin was out somewhere howling in his werewolf form so she levitated the four of them into the castle. Time for revenge, Black.

They didn't know how she nearly cried when she found out that Potter's spawn somehow helped Black escape from being Kissed (she knew it was him, somehow!). The loss of Black's capture and the loss of the Order of Merlin was just so unfair. Was she really allowed to have _anything_?! Apparently not. Her best friend dumped her, her husband was dead, her childhood had been a nightmare that lasted eighteen years, and her life was in danger because she was a spy. She should just count herself lucky she's not dirt-poor like the werewolf and that the Malfoys trusted her enough to be godmother for their daughter Rhea.

They didn't know how much she hated the Durmstrang headmaster Igor Karkaroff. The pathetic snivelling traitor only was released by ratting out other Death Eaters, including herself. He didn't really switch sides, but he couldn't have returned to Voldemort even if he tried. The bastard only cared about himself. She really didn't care to give the time of day even with both of their Dark Marks darkening in anticipation of Voldemort's return and thus ignored him when she could. Of course, interrupting the class that contained Potter's nosy spawn _really_ didn't help because the annoying Gryffindor would probably die to learn that she used to be a Death Eater (and think that she still was). She honestly didn't give a rat's ass when she learned of his death. He actually deserved it.

They didn't know that Dumbledore used questionable methods to get her to teach Potter's spawn Occlumency. As she still hated Potter's spawn with every fibre in her being, she made sure to make those lessons as miserable for him as possible. But everything changed once he saw the awful memory of the OWLs incident. It was then that she saw how different he was from both of his parents. It was quite tempting to tell him all about her pain but held back and told him only about her encounters with his father and godfather (omitting her suicidal thoughts that stemmed from them, of course). She never saw anyone look so betrayed in her life. She decided to act a little nicer to him from then on (except in front of Dolores Umbridge, of course).

They didn't know that when Dolores Umbridge demanded Veritaserum from her, it was tempting to force-feed her a poison. She looked at her snakes and felt disappointed on how they were sucking up to the Ministry toad (yes, she used that term as well). She saw Vincent Crabbe choking Neville Longbottom and dryly told him to loosen his hold before the latter suffocated, resulting in tedious paperwork and Dementor exposure. When Harry yelled his cryptic message, she coldly responded that she didn't have time for gibberish screamed at her but notified the Order as soon as possible. The mutt still died because her mockery about his new prison got to him so he, against orders, fought in the Department of Mysteries and got killed off by that nutter of a cousin Bellatrix Lestrange. It was kind of hard to feel sorry for the mutt, but she couldn't help but pity poor Harry who was grief-stricken and heartbroken over someone who could've been a proper father figure.

They didn't know how vindicated she felt when she killed Dumbledore on his orders. Not only was she able to spare her goddaughter from the trauma of killing someone but she finally got to do something to the old manipulative geezer. The Killing Curse escaped from her lips, and she watched the headmaster tumble off the Astronomy Tower. With everyone thinking she was a real Death Eater, it was time for the real games to begin. It was hard having to fight a pursuing Harry off, especially when he tried using her own inventions against her like his father did during their school days. Her last thoughts as she ran off with Rhea and the Death Eaters were _I'm sorry, Harry._

They didn't know that going through the school year as Headmistress was incredibly difficult. She nearly cried herself to sleep, knowing that students were being tortured daily for their detentions. The pleas on the students' faces as they silently begged her to have mercy and stop the terror, the sobs of first years as they trudged to and from their detentions, the cruelty of her own snakes as they enjoyed the Dark Arts lessons from Amycus Carrow, the stuff they were spewing from their Muggle Studies, everything. It was quite the relief when it was discovered that Harry was somewhere in the vicinity, even though he and the other teachers confronted her and battled her. Having no choice, she fled the school to the arms of her "master."

They didn't even know that for the past nineteen years she wished she would just die and how hard it was to not kill herself. Her wand was locked up at night, she clung tightly to her wedding ring, and constantly reminded herself that Voldemort was still alive and that he _needed_ to be dealt with before she went. When Voldemort insinuated that he was going to kill her for the Elder Wand's power, she panicked. It wasn't time yet! Harry didn't know that he needed to die in order for Voldemort to become mortal again. But he hissed and the snake attacked her. Blood was gushing out her neck as she gasped desperately for breath that wasn't coming and fell against the wall and slid to the floor. _I regret it_ , he said, but she knew he was lying. Voldemort didn't regret. Not like she. Then Harry ran in, and then she knew everything was going to be all right. "Take them..."

Silvery memories were streaming out of her eyes, mouth, and ears. Harry recognised what she meant and caught the vial conjured by Hermione Granger before placing them under her head to grab them. When he was done she whispered, "Look at me, Harry."

Once their eyes had met, she stared in wonder at the eyes of her ex-best friend and the eyes of the boy who would save the Wizarding world. "You can do it. Defeat him. Save the Wizarding world. Good-bye…H-Harry…"

Her life and the light in her vision faded away as she closed her eyes and took one final breath. She was finally free.

* * *

They didn't know how happy and honoured she felt as she watched from above to see Harry and Rhea name one of their fraternal twins Melanie Celeste. It really showed how much she had meant to the couple during her time. She just hoped that Melanie's older brother James Sirius wouldn't bully his sister like his namesakes did. It was actually going to be interesting to see how their lives would turn out.

But for now, she had her husband beside her. Everything was good for her. Perhaps, one day, she could find it in her to forgive the Marauders and Lily for what they did to her during their school days.

And if she ever did, she would feel the best she ever had in forever.

The very best.

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 **AN 4:** In case it wasn't clear, Rhea Malfoy is fem!Draco. Yes, Harry ends up with her in this universe instead of Ginny (sorry, Harry/Ginny shippers). They have four children: James Sirius, Scorpius Hyperion, Melanie Celeste (who is a fem!Albus Severus), and Lily Narcissa. I just needed to add this for some more background.

 **AN 5:** This was very angsty, wasn't it? Reviews are greatly appreciated, and thanks in advance to those of you who do!


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